I have never been a fit person. I can't even recall ever being at a normal weight. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. I look at my arms and I feel the urge to always hide them or make sure to wear clothes cut in specific ways. I look at my stomach and try suck it in to see exactly how much I would need to change in order to feel somewhat confident in my own skin. I look at my legs and wonder why I couldn't have wider set hips to create a thigh gap, so I don't have to worry about chafing when wearing a dress or shorts, especially on a hot day. I look at my face which is round and think that even contouring wouldn't give me more slim features.
A long list of things I don't like about myself, I know. I feel the need to hide it whenever I go anywhere. No one has ever shown affection for me, which doesn't exactly boost my confidence. They have, however, commented on my body, and my stretch marks, and not in a positive way. If I told them they used to bully me every day from grade 0 to the 3rd grade I don't think they would remember. Probably even refuse to believe it had happened and that I was lying.
When I think about the negativity they caused back when I was 6 until I was 10, it makes me worry that other people think the same as they have, but they just don't dare say anything. They might think I look disgusting or that I desperately need to change my way of living. I don't know if they do, but that's where social anxiety comes in real handy...
Trust me, it's not like I haven't tried losing weight. I have tried a low carb diet, which worked wonders the first time around, right up until the day I left to go on vacation where I stayed at a friends house and I couldn't keep it up. I came across Blogilates on youtube and followed her calendar for a month and it worked. Then came the exams and I was too stressed and busy to keep it up for a second month in a row. I later tried running every second day, slowly increasing the distance little by little, running further with less breaks. That worked too until I started getting stressed and too busy to go running if I wanted an average grade. I cut foods out of my diet and started adding more of other things. None of it worked.
Then came the time for me to start university. I tried keeping my portions at a normal and not going haywire with calories. We then moved 1½ hours away from where I study. I started getting stressed again, but I decided that I would exercise and eat better the moment the new year started (New year, new me!). I kept up the exercising for a very short period of time, but I managed to somewhat stick to the low carb diet all the way until March where I discovered that Blogilates had created PIIT28. I immediately thought "this will give me a kick in the ass, and keep me motivated through a schedule for 28 days!". I was right, it did. Then month 2 started and I couldn't keep up. I was constantly tired because I had to get up early or I would be late for uni. Since January I had been stressed and sleep deprived, and that leads to craving carbs. The rest is pretty obvious...
Even after eating pretty healthy for 2 months and doing PIIT28 I didn't see a big difference, even if I felt it. I haven't been fighting under fair conditions either. When I was little and I got sick, which I have explained in an old blog post. The medicine given to me, caused my metabolism to always be a bit messed up, according to my mom. On top of that I have been tested, and I am insulin resistant and almost have Type 2 diabetes (hence why I want to lose weight for more than just confidence). And finally, I have PCOS, a condition which causes a hormone imbalance in your body and causes weight gain, where the "treatment" to keep it under control is the pill (tmi?), which, surprise surprise, also causes weight gain for most people including me.
That doesn't mean I have given up fighting or that I ever will. It does, however, mean that I don't just have anxiety and stress to fight, but also my own body and all the problems it has caused me so far in my 20 years of living. I want to feel better about myself, both my mentality and what I look like physically.
I have changed quite a bit since I started this blog up back in 2013, discovered a lot about myself since then. That is why I decided to start this blog back up, hopefully bringing you a lot more positive content in the future.
I want to use this as a place where I can speak my mind, and where I will be able to look back and see how much I have grown (hopefully just mentally!). I want to share stories, updates etc. on here, so I really hope you want to come back next time too.
